Ranma ½ WHAT?!
by Sarzana
Summary: What would happen if Ranma and Ryoga's curses were reversed? I hope SOMEBODY cares... Hope you like it anyway!
1. Introduction

I dunno, I was bored. This is an alternate universe story in which Ranma and Ryoga's curses are reversed. Probably not a very unique topic, but oh well. I'm not sure what the pairings will be, who'll show up, or just how long I'll continue this. If you like it, review. If you hate it and think I should stick it on a floppy disk, magnetize it, grind it to dust, and throw it in the river, review. If you don't really care but feel like saying something, review. I want to know if anyone reads this stuff. Hope you like it!  
  
Disclaimer: Just in case you're wondering, I'm not Rumiko Takahashi. I don't own Viz. I don't own anything related to the two. This is just a silly fanfic. If you sue, you won't get much as I've spent most of my money on manga.  
  
***  
  
Soun Tendo sat staring at a postcard, tears in his eyes. How he had waited for this day to come! Finally, the Saotome and Tendo schools would be united! He reread the letter, just to make sure he didn't misread something. No, it was all the same. They should be here today!  
  
"Kasumi! Nabiki! Akane!"  
  
***  
  
Kasumi glanced up from the stove, wondering what it could be now. It was unlike her father to disturb her while cooking. Oh, well. It had to be important, she concluded as she turned off the burners and hurried to where her father was sitting.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Nabiki looked up from her manga, obviously annoyed at the interruption. Closing her book, she padded down the stairs to see what he wanted.  
  
***  
  
While all this went on, Akane was out jogging. As she turned the corner, she heard her father and sisters calling her name.  
  
"Akane!" "Where is that girl?"  
  
She shrugged and continued into the dojo, where she quickly pulled on a gi and crushed a few cinderblocks barehanded, then turned around, only to run into Nabiki.  
  
"There you go again, Akane. No wonder all the boys think you're so weird."  
  
"So why should I care? Not everyone thinks the world revolves around boys."  
  
"Oh? Then I guess this wouldn't interest you…"  
  
***  
  
"FIANCEE?!"  
  
"Yes," said Soun, eyeing his daughters nervously. Best not to make them mad, he thought as he saw Akane's fists clench. Even Kasumi looked slightly angry at the idea. "The son of a very good friend of mine. The son's name is Ranma Saotome. If one of you three girls were to marry him and carry on the training center, then the Tendo family legacy would be secure."  
  
"Wait a minute!" Akane shouted, angry tears threatening to well up in her eyes. "Don't we have some say in who we marry?!"  
  
"Akane's right, Daddy. We haven't even met Ranma," Kasumi added.  
  
Soun chuckled nervously. "That's easily fixed," he responded.  
  
***  
  
A bolt of lightning lit the sky, followed by a crash of thunder and the soft pattering of rain. Meanwhile, passersby on the street were treated to quite an unusual sight, even for Nerima. A small pig appeared to be stomping on a large panda's head, and the panda was attempting to swat it off. The pig was dodging very well for a swine, but the panda eventually nailed him over the head with a sign that read, "Gotcha!"  
  
The panda slung the pig over its shoulder, growled grumpily at the small crowd that had stopped to stare, then continued to waddle along. The few who remained to watch noted that the creatures appeared to be headed towards the Tendo Dojo. Of course, that was extremely unlikely, they chuckled to themselves. Unless the Tendos were starting a zoo. Oh well, they would find out sooner or later anyway. In Nerima,   
secrets didn't last too long.  
  
***  
  
As the commotion ensued in Nerima, somewhere in China…  
  
"Where on earth am I now?" mumbled a tired-looking red-haired girl. She wore a yellow Chinese-style tunic and a matching bandana over black pants with yellow leg binders, and her bangs were matted to her forehead with sweat. "Don't think you've escaped my revenge, Ranma. I'll find you, no matter what. You're gonna die. Yep, Nerima should be just around the corner here…" She half-heartedly glanced at a battered map in her hand. A sudden rustle in the bushes made her jump.  
  
"All right, who's there?" she demanded, whipping out a red umbrella.  
  
"You I kill!"  
  
"Shampoo?! How'd you get to New York?" she shouted, glancing quickly at her map. Yes, Nerima was just to the south of New York and west of Ireland, unless that was Brazil…  
  
"Ryoga! Die!"  
  
Her thoughts were cut short as a bonbori swished past her head. "Eep!"  
  
"Amazon law say Shampoo must kill Ryoga! So hold still!"  
  
Ryoga ducked another bonbori, then dashed around the corner, failing completely to end up in Nerima but succeeding in temporarily losing Shampoo.  
  
"Ranma, this is all your fault!" Ryoga hissed to herself.  
  
***  
  
Akane stared at her desk, sniffing and angrily choking back tears. How could he? Her father had, in an instant, crushed any dreams she might have had of choosing her husband and settling down to have a nice, normal life without the chaos of running a dojo. She pounded her fist on the desk, remembering how she had stood up, shouting at that inconsiderate JERK and run up the stairs sobbing, leaving him in tears, too. Why had SHE been chosen out of the three? Why did any of them have to marry him, anyway? She sighed and stood up. At times like this, she would normally go crush some bricks. Heh, times like this. What times like this? Sure, she had been angry before, but it was always over silly things, like Kuno annoying her or the boys at school challenging her before school. It was always temporarily and could easily be fixed, generally with a few well-placed punches and kicking the offending person into low orbit. Of course she couldn't do that to Daddy. Though he acted like an idiot quite often, she still loved her father.  
  
She heard a quiet creak and turned to face the door. She found a tiny, wide-eyed piglet staring back at her.  
  
"Oh, how did you get here? It must be because of the rain. Here, let me dry you off." She reached out and lifted the creature up, surprised to find it resisting, almost clinging to the floor. She giggled and held the small animal up in front of her. "Poor little guy. Where's your owner, anyway?" She checked but didn't see a tag around its neck. Shrugging, she held it to her chest, causing it great alarm.  
  
"I guess you must be a stray. What's wrong? Oh, I bet you're still cold. Mommy will give you a bath, then. I still have to take mine, so you can come in with me."  
  
The pig didn't look too happy at the thought, but Akane took no notice. She padded into the bathroom and shed her clothes, setting the piglet down. She giggled as she noticed that it seemed to be looking away from her. She quickly washed herself and the piglet, rinsed, and stepped into the furo, dragging the now panic-stricken creature along with her. It flinched as it hit the hot water.  
  
Akane found herself face-to-face with a young man with black hair tied into a pigtail. Totally naked. They stared at each other for what seemed to be a full minute. Then, the silence was broken.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  
  
"OWWW! What did I do?!"  
  
"PERVERT!"  
  
"It's not my fault! You made me come in!"  
  
"Get out, get out, GET OUT!"  
  
The young man, now wearing a hastily-acquired bathrobe, dashed out of the bathroom, only to be followed by Akane, wearing another bathrobe and wielding an extremely large mallet over her head. He leapt up onto the ceiling and clung on for dear life, while Akane glanced back and forth and dashed down the hall, seeking the pervert from the bathroom.  
  
He sighed with relief, then dropped silently to the floor. Off to find Pop. He's the one with the pack and my clothes, he thought.  
  
***  
  
"Oh my, what was all that commotion?" asked a concerned Kasumi.  
  
"Ah, I believe Akane has met Ranma," said a strange, bald man who was sitting at the table. His expression was grim. "Hmmm, I wonder if there was a better way to introduce them… Hey, where's my backpack?"  
  
A now fully-clothed Ranma appeared in the doorway just as Akane ran down the hallway, colliding with him and sending them both sprawling to the floor. They both leapt up, and Ranma assumed a defensive posture.  
  
"YOU LOOKED AT ME! YOU PERVERT!"  
  
"Did I have a choice?! It's not like I wanted to! You dragged me in with you!"  
  
"Who are you, anyway?!"  
  
Ranma stopped and glanced at her, looking startled. "I'm Ranma Saotome," he said, bowing nervously. "Sorry 'bout this."  
  
Akane stopped in her tracks. Ranma Saotome? Her fiancé? This PERVERT?!  
  
Nabiki could see her sister's battle aura glowing around her. 'This should be interesting,' she thought. Too bad she didn't have time to take bets. Judging by his relative calmness, though, her money would've been on Ranma. Her little sister may have been extremely powerful when she was angry, but she wouldn't be as accurate. Ranma looked like he'd be hard to hit. 'Of course,' thought Nabiki as Ranma got creamed by the mallet, 'I could be wrong.'  
  
***  
  
Ryoga looked over her shoulder nervously. Good, Shampoo wasn't there. She breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Now, to get some hot water.  
  
She dropped her backpack to the ground with a loud thud. As she opened the compartment where she kept the kettle and the heater, she glanced at her map. "Huh," she said aloud. "I knew I messed up somewhere. How could I have missed it? To get to Nerima, I go east at Zaire, not Ontario!" That sure simplified things a lot. Now, for the matter of where she was now…  
  
Ryoga removed the lid from the kettle and felt the water. "Finally," she stated. "Warm enough for the transformation." She poured the kettle's contents over her head, negating her bizarre curse. Well, now *his* bizarre curse.  
  
He ran his fingers through his thick brown bangs and straightened his bandana. He stood up and placed the kettle and burner into his backpack, then heaved it onto his back. It was much easier to carry as a man, since he weighed so much less as a girl. He took one final look at his "map" and pointed straight ahead.  
  
"Nerima must be this way! Ranma Saotome, prepare for my revenge!" With this, he dashed ahead. Right past a sign pointing in the other direction. A sign that read, "This Way to Nerima - 20 m."  
  
***  
  
End of Part 1  
  
Comments? Suggestions? Flames? Death threats? Review!  



	2. The First Day of School

Yay! Four reviews already! Here is Part 2. Since I can't think of anything else witty to say here, you may proceed to read the fic. Hope you like it!  
  
Disclaimer: Nope, I'm still not Rumiko Takahashi and I still don't own anything worthwhile.  
  
Part 2  
  
"What?! I've gotta go to SCHOOL?!"  
  
"Of course, son! We're going to be staying here for a while, after all."  
  
"It's the same school me and Akane go to! We'll see you there!" Nabiki put in cheerfully.  
  
"Nabiki, I'll go with you!" Akane called, hurrying to catch up with her sister.  
  
"What're you talking about? Ranma is your fiancé, remember? You should walk him to school!"  
  
Ranma and Akane glared at each other, then set off for school without a sound.  
  
"We're not going to get married, you know," Akane stated, breaking the silence.  
  
"You're telling me?" Ranma replied from the fence he was walking on. "Besides, I can't stand macho chicks like YOU!" At this remark, Genma dashed along the fence and smacked Ranma over the head.  
  
"Pop! What're you-"  
  
"You're in no position to be choosy about women, Ranma. I'll tell you this once and only once-"  
  
Ranma tripped his father, sending him into the river on the other side of the fence. "What's wrong, Pop? Weren't you going to say something?" he called, grinning.  
  
Genma the panda glared at his son and leapt out of the water. Akane was able to dodge, but the panda punched Ranma, who flipped through the air and landed perfectly on the ground.  
  
"Ha! Check this out!" he taunted his father. He would have said more if not for…  
  
SPLOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!  
  
"Huh. Where'd she come from?" wondered Akane.  
  
"KWEEEEEEEE!" said an angry little piglet from the ground beside her. Akane stepped on him to keep him from attacking the defenseless old lady.  
  
"Come on, we've got to get to school," Akane told Ranma, snickering at his anger. She picked him up, along with his clothes and backpack. "Hmmm… I think I should give you a name so that I'll have something to say if someone asks. How about P-chan?"  
  
"KWEEEEEE! KWI KWI KWEEEE!" "P-chan" responded, shaking his head furiously.  
  
"Glad you like it, P-chan!"  
  
"KWEE!"  
  
***  
  
"That's funny… Greenland sure looks like Nerima… They even have a sign that says 'Welcome to Nerima' written in Japanese! What strange people…" Ryoga said aloud, much to the amusement of the Nerimans watching him. "Heh… And this looks just like that empty lot I was supposed to meet Ranma in!" He walked on for a few more minutes, then paused. As Ryoga glanced at a nearby plant and wondered at how much it looked like Nerima's native plant life, he failed to notice a large panda hit a boy with a pigtail and the boy flip, land, and become a pig. When he looked up, all he saw was a girl with long, dark blue hair in a blue dress carrying a black piglet.  
  
"Hmmm, I wonder if I should tell her that if she keeps going in that direction, she'll fall into the Atlantic Ocean?" He hurried to catch up with her, only to be splashed by the same old woman. Ryoga grumbled as she tried to continue following the girl. "Hey, Miss! Huh?" She was gone. 'Oh, no! If she drowns or something, it's my responsibility! I should've told her! I've gotta find her!' Ryoga hurried in the direction the girl had gone… Unless, of course, she went the other way… Or she could have gone that way… Ryoga stopped in confusion, then picked a direction and set off.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Akane listened carefully as she dashed towards the school. She could vaguely hear the muttering of a crowd. 'Oh, great. Will those idiots ever give up?' Akane wondered to herself. She sighed, dropped her and Ranma's stuff as well as the black piglet and assumed a battle stance. There was a moment of silence, then the group of boys began their daily futile attack, shouting puns about how love related to their sport of choice in an attempt to impress Akane with their wit, if not their strength. This was just as futile as challenging Akane every day. She knocked them all out in approximately six point eight seconds. Of course, her record was four point three, but that was when she didn't have anything important on her mind.  
  
"Why can't they leave me alone for once?" Akane asked to nobody in particular. Then, as always, Kuno appeared.  
  
"Truly a boorish lot. Evidently each of them intends to ask you out… on the dawn that he finally defeats you," Kuno said, smirking.  
  
"Oh, upperclassman. Good morning," said Akane, unimpressed.  
  
'How odd, it would seem to the casual observer that she is not overjoyed to see me. How good she is at containing her feelings and remaining calm!' Kuno had just thrown his customary rose to Akane when suddenly…  
  
"Hey, Miss! Be careful! You- Huh?" Ryoga caught the rose. Kuno just stood and stared, as did the little black piglet who had been sitting next to the wall, watching the whole event.  
  
"My goddess! Oh, the heavens have smiled upon me this day!" Kuno cried as he glomped Ryoga.  
  
"Wha?!" Ryoga responded intelligently.  
  
"Oh, so shy! Is it because of the wonderful prospect of going out with the great Tatewaki Kuno? Or could it be that thou art so generous, thou fearest thou will hurt others by keeping me for yourself?"  
  
"Umm, not really-" Ryoga responded, attempting to break loose of Kuno's death grip. Suddenly, the school bell rang.  
  
"Sadly, thou must wait until after school is over for our date-"   
  
"What date?!" Ryoga demanded.  
  
"-For Akane Tendo and I are late!" He glanced around the courtyard. "Umm, Akane Tendo? Hmm, she must have continued to class. Such a noble pursuit of knowledge!" Kuno wandered into the school, pondering his delusions.  
  
"Hey, you!" Akane called out to Ryoga from behind a tree.  
  
"Huh?" said Ryoga, who was still confused over the events of the past few minutes.  
  
"Thanks for getting Kuno off my case. Are you okay? He tends to hug pretty hard. Just ignore him. He's been following me for months now! So, are you a new student?"  
  
"Um-"  
  
"Come on, I'll show you to the office."  
  
As soon as Akane had safely deposited Ryoga in the principal's office, she hurried to her classroom. "See you at lunch!" she called to Ryoga. "Oh, that's right. What happened to Ranma?" she muttered to herself.  
  
***  
  
A small black piglet stood in a sink in the boys' bathroom, struggling with the hot water faucet. How could Akane just leave him there? 'Oh, well. No time for sulking,' he thought as he finally got the knob to turn and the water hot. As soon as he changed back to human, he pulled on his clothes and walked to the principal's office, so he could get his schedule.  
  
He opened the door and almost ran into the red-haired girl. They stared at each other for a moment.  
  
'I can't put my finger on it, but she reminds me of someone…' thought Ranma.  
  
'Heh, he looks almost like Ranma. I'll have to ask him if they're related later.'  
  
"Hello. You two are here for your schedules?" The two nodded. "Okay, what are your names?"  
  
"Ryoga Hibiki."  
  
"Ranma Saotome."  
  
Once again, the two stared at each other.  
  
"Huh. I once knew a guy that had the same name as you."  
  
"Ranma…" Ryoga growled, a murderous look in her eyes.  
  
"Ryoga? Did you have some kind of operation you didn't tell me about?"  
  
"DIE!"  
  
"Hey, no fighting in the-" Two pairs of eyes glared back at him. "Never mind! Carry on!"  
  
Ranma smirked. "He's right. We should go to class now. Which room are you in? I'm in 1-F."  
  
"1-F," Ryoga responded, battle aura dying down. "Wait, I have to get some hot water first." She headed towards the boys' room.  
  
"Wha?!" said Ranma. Hot water… That could only mean…  
  
"Hello, Ranma," said a once again male Ryoga.  
  
"So it is you!"  
  
"Yes, Ranma. The same Ryoga Hibiki whose lunch you stole countless times in middle school, who challenged you to a duel that YOU didn't show up for, and whose life you have effectively RUINED. I followed you, after you ran away. I followed you all the way to Jusenkyo. Now I'm a FREAK, all because of you. Ranma, I've seen Hell because of you!" With that, Ryoga launched another attack, which Ranma easily dodged. "I followed you to Jusenkyo. I was looking for you, when I got knocked into the air by a panda! Of course, I could have landed safely. I almost did. Then I tripped over a stupid PIG and fell into the Spring of the Drowned Girl!"  
  
"Heh. You act like I tossed you into the spring. Why not swear revenge against all pandas and pigs or some-"  
  
At this point, a student turned the knob on a nearby water fountain, missing the "Out of Order" sign taped to it. Cold water gushed out of the pipe, dousing both Ranma and Ryoga.  
  
Ryoga looked at Ranma. She blinked. This pig looked strangely like the one that-  
  
"Ranma! It IS your fault! You're the one that tripped me!"  
  
Ranma returned from the bathroom, human and fully clothed. "No way! What about the panda?"  
  
At this moment, a panda appeared, jogging past the entrance to the school. It passed by, then stepped back a bit and held up a sign that said, "How's school, Ranma?" Then, as if it had never been there, the panda was gone.  
  
"You were saying?" Ryoga smirked as she readied her razor belt.  
  
"Come on, let's get to class! Nope, mustn't miss more school! Lots to learn!" Ranma said nervously as he dashed up the stairs to the third floor.  
  
"GET BACK HERE!" Ryoga roared, but it was too late. She sighed and headed for the staircase, missing it completely and heading for the gym.  
  
***  
  
End Part 2  



	3. My Friend the Homicidal Amazon

  
What's there to say? I don't own it. I never have, never will. I've never met anyone who does, and I doubt that they would be writing such crummy fan fiction about it. Now, for the next chapter of Ranma ½ WHAT?!  
  
***  
  
The blue-haired Amazon growled and glanced back and forth. It was hard enough to track the directionless idiot girl who Shampoo had sworn to kill without the crowds blocking her vision. She scampered up a tree in an effort to get a better view, but Ryoga was nowhere in sight. Of course, there was a boy who looked disturbingly like Ryoga, and even wore the same clothes. Of course, this was a tall boy with brown hair, and he was talking animatedly with a pigtailed boy. Shampoo had never seen either of them before, so didn't think much of the sight. Instead, she looked down at a piece of paper she held in her hands, which she had picked up while following Ryoga.  
  
It appeared to be a map. A really crummy map. Of course, this didn't surprise Shampoo much, considering how often Ryoga got lost. At least, Shampoo assumed she was lost. It was entirely possible that Ryoga was yelling, "Where on earth am I now?!" just to throw Shampoo off her trail. Shampoo shook her head. This didn't really matter now. She had to find someone. Apparently his house was around here somewhere. Ranma Saotome, she believed he was called. Ryoga muttered about him so much, saying that all her problems were Ranma's fault. If she could find Ranma, she could probably find Ryoga. Heh, maybe this "Ranma" was an old boyfriend of Ryoga's. In any case, they seemed to hate each other a lot, and Ranma would most likely be willing to help Shampoo get revenge.  
  
Shampoo leapt from the tree branch and landed gracefully on the ground, startling a couple of guys who were walking below.  
  
"You know Ranma Saotome?" Shampoo asked. They nodded dumbly. "Where he live?"  
  
"T-Tendo Dojo-"  
  
"Shampoo thank boys!" And with that, she hurried to find the spot.  
  
***  
  
"WHAT?" Ranma asked Akane. "Are you INSANE? This guy's trying to kill me!"  
  
"Come on, Ranma. He doesn't have anywhere to stay. You were so mean to him in middle school, why can't you let him share your room?"  
  
"Whaddid I do?! It's not like I beat him up and stole his lunch-"  
  
"No, you just bounced off his head and took it when he was about to catch it. Every day. You owe him."  
  
"Don't worry, Akane. I don't want to be any trouble-"  
  
"You aren't. Ranma's the problem."  
  
This conversation was cut tragically short by way of poorly aimed sprinkler.  
  
"BWEEEE!" "P-chan" said indignantly.  
  
"Aww, man. Anybody got some hot water?"  
  
"Don't worry, you can change back when we get home," Akane reassured her. "And as for you-"  
  
"Oh, my bandanna-clad goddess!" said a quite familiar moron.  
  
"Eep," said Ryoga.  
  
"And the lovely Akane Tendo, also. Where might you be going on such a fine afternoon?"  
  
"Sorry, Kuno, but we've got to get home and get Ryoga and P-chan some hot water," Akane said hurriedly, and dragged the two cursed boys along behind her, leaving Kuno to puzzle over her statement.  
  
  
***  
  
Shampoo checked the sign by the door, just to make sure this was, in fact, the Tendo Dojo. The natives didn't seem to appreciate people entering their homes via large holes in the wall and yelling about someone named Ryoga and how said person was going to kill aforementioned Ryoga.  
Yes, this was, in fact, the Tendo Dojo, Shampoo noted before proceeding to enter by way of her standard bashing the wall, only slowly enough to give them time to ponder what was happening to the wall, and if their insurance would cover it. Of course, not long enough for one to snap out of shock and run for their life. No, that would defeat the entire purpose of the whole procedure. Someone more reasonable and not bent on killing Ryoga might suggest that it might be more efficient to wait by the door until Ryoga happened to come outside. However, there were two things wrong with this. First of all, with Ryoga's sense of direction, there was no saying she would ever find the door. Second, it wasn't Amazon tradition. The poor fool who mentioned it would probably have his thoughts straightened out by way of bonbori applied at high velocity to the head.  
  
Dismayed to see an empty room, Shampoo listened carefully and vaguely heard sounds of fighting coming from a room down the hall. Smirking, she silently made her way down the hall and crept into the room - only to be hit in the head and knocked unconscious by a startled-looking pigtailed teen.  
  
***  
  
Minutes before…  
  
All curses negated, Ranma, Ryoga, and Akane sat on the floor in the dojo.  
  
"Okay, Ryoga. We'll settle this now. Whoever wins, that's the end of it. You stop trying to kill me, and everything will be normal. No midnight attacks or ambushes on the way to school, okay?"  
  
Ryoga nodded, eager to get this settled. Akane moved out of the way and watched, fascinated, as the boys assumed their stances.  
  
Ranma was the first to attack, aiming a punch at Ryoga's face. Ryoga ducked, and sent Saotome flying. Ranma landed on his feet and launched a kick, which Ryoga was barely able to dodge. Ranma tried to stop, but wasn't able to before connecting with someone who had just entered the room…  
  
"Sh-shampoo! What's SHE doing here?"  
  
"Is she okay?" asked a concerned Akane.  
  
"Oh, man! I've got to get out of here before she wakes up!"  
  
"Why, Ryoga? Something you're not telling us?" asked Ranma.  
  
"This is Shampoo. I met her in a village near Jusenkyo. She wants to kill me!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well…"  
  
Now, we view a flashback. Female Ryoga trudged along a path, staring at a map obviously made by her. Basically, a bunch of squiggly lines with the names of random locations on various continents sprinkled across the face.   
  
"Hmmm… This must be Florida!" Ryoga stated triumphantly. Nerima was just three meters to the… Huh. Maybe this wasn't Florida at all.  
  
"Excuse me, can you tell me the way to Nerima?" Ryoga asked one of the natives. She looked back at Ryoga as if she couldn't understand a word Ryoga was saying. Ryoga sighed. She didn't speak much Chinese. She had to learn a bit once she found her way home. She could remember they had a Japanese-Chinese dictionary at home, and it never hurt to learn how to ask for directions in various languages if you were a Hibiki. She turned, hoping to get a clear view of where the heck she was. In doing this, she unwittingly hit one of the native women with her extremely heavy backpack.  
  
Ryoga quickly bent down to see if she was all right and to apologize profusely, but she seemed to be unconscious. However, she woke up within moments, staring at Ryoga's face. Ryoga began to feel as though she was in a whole lot of trouble. The girl stated something in Chinese, which Ryoga, of course, didn't understand a word of. Noticing Ryoga's incomprehension, she called out something else and a small, withered old lady hopped over on a cane. The girl whispered something to the old woman, who nodded and spoke in perfect Japanese.  
  
"Child, my great-granddaughter Shampoo says you have defeated her in combat. Is this true?"  
  
"N-no! Of course not! I accidentally hit her with my backpack, that's all."  
  
The old woman sighed and shook her head, then told Shampoo something in Chinese. Shampoo nodded and got up. She then grabbed Ryoga and kissed her.  
  
"Wha?!" said a now extremely confused Ryoga, pushing her away.  
  
"That was the Kiss of Death," said the old crone helpfully. "Because you, an outsider, defeated one of our clan, Shampoo must now track you down to the ends of the earth and kill you. I suggest you run."  
  
Ryoga took the suggestion and ran like heck, Shampoo on her tail.  
  
***  
  
By the time the story was over, Shampoo was stirring.  
  
"Well, see you!" said Ryoga nervously, getting ready to run.  
  
"Wait! She doesn't have anything against your boy type, right? It doesn't matter if she sees you," Akane reasoned.  
  
"Who kick me?" Shampoo asked, glaring at the three of them.  
  
"I-I did it," said Ranma nervously. Of course, this anxiety was not unfounded, as Shampoo glomped him and kissed him passionately. Akane and Ryoga just stood there, staring. The kiss went on for about ten more seconds before Shampoo broke it.  
  
"Wo ai ni," she said softly. Of course, it was doubtful that Ranma heard it, as he had been in shock since Shampoo had started the kiss. Upon being released, he fell stiffly to the floor. Ryoga and Akane stared.  
  
"W-wait a minute! Don't you have to kill him?" Ryoga asked.  
  
"Is male. That Kiss of Marriage." At this, Ryoga wondered whether or not to be disappointed that she didn't know about his curse. Of course, it didn't really matter because Kasumi, who had been walking by with a bucket of cold water to wash the floor, tripped, spilling the contents all over Ryoga. Shampoo watched, wide-eyed.  
  
"Ryoga is man? No is girl?"  
  
"Uh…" Ryoga sputtered as Shampoo advanced on her and produced a kettle of hot water out of nowhere, dousing Ryoga with the steamy contents. Then, he found himself in her embrace and receiving another Kiss of Marriage. Then he, too, fell to the floor, nose bleeding.  
  
Ranma's brain finally registered what had happened, and he leapt to his feet. "Hey! I'm not marrying you! You just showed up out of nowhere and-"  
  
"And what, airen?"  
  
"And… and we should get to know each other better first!" Ranma continued nervously.  
  
'What about me?' Akane thought furiously. Of course, her anger turned to a smirk as Ryoga nailed Ranma in the back of the head with a squirt gun, and he turned into a pig.  
  
"Husband is pig?!" Shampoo exclaimed. "This complicate things. Must go see Great-Grandmother to see what Amazon law say about curses. And what about Kiss of Death and Kiss of Marriage? Shampoo confused. No worry! Be back soon!" And just as suddenly as she had appeared, Shampoo vanished through her handmade doorway.  
  
Akane hurried into the kitchen and returned with a kettle, which she threw at Ranma while looking away.  
  
"Owww… Hey, Ryoga! She's gone," Ranma called, pulling on his clothes. Ryoga still showed no signs of consciousness. Ranma smacked his face around a little, then went to retrieve a glass of cold water. If that wouldn't wake him up, nothing would.  
  
SPLOOSH! "Hey, what was that for?" asked a somewhat disoriented female Ryoga.  
  
"She's gone," Ranma repeated.  
  
"Wait a minute! Why didn't you tell her you're already engaged to Akane?!"  
  
"I dunno. Maybe because she'd KILL ME IF I DID!"  
  
"Either way, how can you call yourself Akane's fiancé?"  
  
"Don't worry, Ryoga. This engagement isn't going to continue, anyway! It's just a stupid arrangement made by our parents. Neither one of us plans on actually-"  
  
"You actually thought I'd marry a tomboy like her? If you want her, you can have her!"  
  
"That's not what I meant!" exclaimed Ryoga, blushing crimson.  
  
"Honestly, Ranma. Do you really have to be such a jerk?" With this, Akane threw a bucket of cold water at his head. A small pig peeked out from under the bucket and glared at her. Akane lifted the bucket and held the pig up in the air.  
  
"Aww, did I hurt you, P-chan? I'm sorry…" she said, only halfway sarcastically, as the piglet struggled out of her grasp and dashed towards the bathroom to change back. Akane giggled softly.  
  
"Uh, well, I've got homework to do. Can you show me the way to my room?" requested an embarrassed Ryoga.  
  
"Oh, of course. Just up the stairs, to the left-"  
  
"Uh, could you just lead me there? I sort of have trouble with directions…"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. Sure!" Akane took her hand and led her to the room she would be sharing with the Saotomes. "Oh, and the bathroom's right here. Do you think you can find it?" Akane asked.  
  
"I think so…"  
  
"Good! I have some homework to do, too. See you at dinner!"  
  
"Yeah." Ryoga shut the door behind her and began to attempt to find the location of her sleeping bag. Changing back could wait. She was tired, and had things to think about as well as schoolwork.  
  
***  
  
Okay, I know. Crummy ending. But hey, at least I've made it this far! I still don't know exactly how long it's going to be, or what all the pairings are. Of course, even if I did, I wouldn't be telling you because it would spoil the SUSPENSE! (cough, cough) Okay. Keep looking for more chapters, and, as always, review!  
  



	4. The Return of Shampoo (and Mousse Too!)

  
Yippy skippy, Part 4. Some definition of couplings. I'm not entirely sure what else, but I know that much. Have fun reading!  
  
Disclaimer: I own a spiral notebook full of drawings, a few fanfics, and a bunch of crummy disclaimers. What do you want?!  
  
***  
  
Part 4  
  
***  
Akane returned to her room to complete her assignments, but something was distracting her. She chuckled to herself. Whatever could it be? Maybe her new fiancé/pig, the directionless aquatranssexual boy who had recently taken refuge in her home, or the freaking AMAZON who had just burst through the WALL and claimed both boys? Noooo, her life was perfectly NORMAL. Why why why why WHY did her father have to be so STUPID? She sighed.  
  
Of course, there was the matter of Ryoga. Why he was so nice and protective of her, she had yet to figure out. They had just met, but she felt… something. It was just nice being around him - or her, as the case may be. She hoped she didn't *like* him, as the girls in her class would have termed it. Heh, tomorrow was going to be fun. There was little doubt that SOMEHOW they would figure out that they were all living together. All her friends would think she was involved with two guys, and her reputation for "Tough-as-nails, I-don't-NEED-a-guy-to-prove-my-worth, Get-near-me-and-die Tomboy" would be gone forever. She wasn't sure if she liked this or not, but she thought it was better than being termed "easy." Then, there would be the boys. Most of them would just give up after seeing how strong Ryoga and Ranma were. Kuno, of course, would harass them and challenge them to no end, but he was an idiot and not much of a problem.  
  
Akane glanced down at her blank paper. What was the assignment again, anyway? She sighed. Maybe she could concentrate later. She wondered if Kasumi needed any help in the kitchen, but (mercifully) she decided against it.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Ryoga attempted to do the same assignment, with about as much success as Akane had. She glanced to the other side of the room, where Ranma was snoring peacefully. 'What an idiot,' Ryoga thought to herself. 'Why is Akane stuck with him?' Ryoga wondered momentarily why she cared so much about who Akane was engaged to, but immediately stopped. Nobody deserved that jerk as a fiancé. Least of all kind-hearted, beautiful Akane.  
Ryoga wondered sometimes if Jusenkyo had a sense of humor. Of COURSE she would be cursed right before visiting the Amazon village. Of COURSE she had to trip and fall into that puddle right before entering and requesting directions. Maybe, just maybe there was someone who controlled this type of thing, who had a cruel sense of humor, who laughed heartily at the misfortunes of the Jusenkyo-cursed. Of course, sometimes it was good. Ryoga snickered to himself. Of course Ranma would be a pig. It brought out his inner spirit. She amused herself by imagining Ranma the Pig in the uniform for middle school, trying to snag the airborne bread but getting trampled by the crowd. It suddenly occurred to Ryoga what this would say about his curse, but decided not to pursue it. Jusenkyo works in mysterious ways, and not the same for everyone, after all.  
  
Ryoga's thoughts returned to Akane. How could she be so graceful and kind, while hidden beneath her lovely exterior was pure fury and strength? She still said Ranma didn't deserve Akane, no matter what. If she had to protect Akane from that jerk, that was what she'd do. After finishing the stupid homework assignment, though. Ryoga doubted it very much that she would be able to find it again if she left it.  
  
***  
  
Now, we turn to Shampoo…  
  
Shampoo smiled widely as she walked down the street. "Shampoo glad Great Grandmother say Shampoo may follow Ryoga and Ranma! Was hard to find loophole in ancient Amazon law, but it worth it!" Shampoo chirped cheerily to herself. One might wonder why she would be speaking out loud and in Japanese, considering the fact that she could hardly speak the language. Shampoo herself wondered this, but disregarded the thought. She had better things to think about.  
  
"Shampoo, my love!" cried a long-haired man in white robes to a telephone pole.  
  
"What is it, stupid Mousse?"  
  
Said blind Amazon flipped his glasses down over his eyes. "Shampoo! Why do you run away whenever I manage to find you? Why did you come here, anyway?"  
  
Shampoo rolled her eyes. "How many times Shampoo have to tell stupid Mousse, Shampoo here to see Ryoga and Ranma."  
  
"But Shampoo-"  
  
"Mousse go AWAY!" Shampoo shouted, followed by a rather rude Chinese word, as she kicked Mousse into the horizon. "Now that done with, Shampoo find airens.  
  
***  
  
Akane finally finished the assignment and headed out for the dojo. With any luck, she could get some training done before dinner.  
  
"Hey, Ranma! Will you spar with me?" she called into the guest room.  
  
"Yeah, right. You might get hurt," Ranma responded, not looking up from his textbook, which looked suspiciously like it had a manga hidden inside.  
  
"Wha?" 'Does he really care if I get hurt?'  
  
"A clumsy macho chick like you would probably trip and get a concussion," finished Ranma.  
  
"Why you…"  
  
Insert here any of your favorite sound effects associated with a severe malleting, such as WHAM, POW, SPLAT, SMASH, BONK, WHAP, etc.  
  
"I'll help, Akane," Ryoga volunteered.  
  
"Sure, like you can even FIND the dojo," a heavily bandaged Ranma commented.  
  
"Who asked you, anyway?" retorted Ryoga as he tossed a large textbook at Ranma without turning his head, nailing Ranma in the nose.  
  
"Thanks, Ryoga. You're a real friend, unlike SOME people," Akane said, sticking her tongue out at poor injured Ranma. She then took Ryoga by the hand and led her out the door.  
  
'Heh, who needs a tomboy like her, anyway?' Ranma thought to himself before he resumed "studying."  
  
***  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to change back before we train?" asked Akane.  
  
"Nah, I should train this body too so I'm used to it."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The two assumed their stances. For a moment, no one moved. Then, as if on a command, both opponents attacked.  
  
'Wow, she's so graceful,' Ryoga marveled as she dodged a punch.  
  
'She's actually taking me seriously,' Akane thought, ducking a kick.  
  
"Akane! Ranma! Ryoga! Mr. Saotome! Dinner is ready!" Kasumi called from the kitchen.  
  
"I guess we can finish this after dinner," said Akane, panting slightly.  
  
"Okay. I'm gonna go change back first, though."  
  
"Sure. Do you want me to lead you there?"  
  
"Umm, please. Don't want to end up in Sydney again…" Ryoga giggled nervously.  
  
***  
  
"So, how was school?" conversed a cheery Kasumi.  
  
"Fine, except for when I had to catch that idiot Ryoga when he was trying to go to the gym and almost got hit by a truck!"  
  
"Oh, so you actually stayed awake long enough to have an opinion, Ranma?" questioned Akane.  
  
"I think it was okay… Except for that guy that kept calling me his goddess when I was in my girl form. It gets old after a while…"  
  
"Great, Kuno-baby's got another target?" Nabiki commented.  
  
"Be quiet Nabiki. Ryoga, don't worry. Just try and stay in your boy form when you're in school and he won't give you a second glance," Akane assured him.  
  
Shampoo chose this moment to burst through the wall.  
  
"And we just h-had that f-fixed," sobbed Soun.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Akane angrily.  
  
"Shampoo come for husbands!"  
  
"Oh no…" said Ranma and Ryoga in unison.  
  
Shampoo chose Ranma to glomp. Of course, she'd make up for it later by glomping Ryoga. Why on earth did her airen look so scared all of a sudden? She then realized that, in her haste, she had accidentally knocked over a glass of water. Stupid curse! That still didn't explain why Ranma looked so afraid. Unless, of course, he didn't like cats. No matter. They could easily find their way around this small misfortune and be happily marri-  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAHHH! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF-"  
  
"SHUT UP!" shouted Ryoga, punching Ranma in the head and knocking him unconscious.  
  
One kettle of hot water, some clothes, and several bandaids later…  
  
"What's with Ranma?" Akane asked, concerned.  
  
"Well…" said a somewhat sheepish Genma. "It's like this…"  
  
Once again, we go to a flashback sequence.  
  
  
  
"Hey Pop, whatcha got there?" asked little bitty ten year old Ranma.  
  
"Son, you are going to learn a powerful new technique. Come here." Genma reached into the box and produced a long string of fish sausages. "Hold still." He tied them around the curious child, then picked him up.  
  
"Pop? What're ya doin'?"  
  
"Today, Ranma, you learn the Cat Fist. It may be difficult, but I have faith in you, boy." With that, he tossed Ranma into a large pit in the ground. He then proceeded to drag a large wooden board over the opening.  
  
Ranma glanced around nervously, trying to stand up. He watched as the light shrunk, until it was reduced to a tiny sliver. Suddenly, a dark shape darted over the patch of light. Ranma felt something sharp dig into his arm, so he shook it vigorously until the creature finally let go. He adopted a defensive stance, scanning the pit to see what had attacked him. He failed, however, as the light completely disappeared.  
  
As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw a pair of hungry eyes. Then another. Five more. Ranma gasped in fear. What kind of monster was this?  
  
"Meeeowww," said the monster.  
  
Ranma sighed in relief. It was only a cat. Okay, a bunch of cats. But they wouldn't hurt him. After all, they were sweet little house pets, right?  
  
"Owww!" cried Ranma as another set of teeth dug into his leg, then a set of claws scrape his back.  
  
"Pop? POP! HELP!" Ranma cried desperately, but there was no answer. The cats continued their relentless attack, scratching and biting ravenously.  
  
"No! Pop! HEEEEEEELLLLLLP!"  
  
Then, everything went black.  
  
***  
  
Everyone looked at Genma, shocked. Excluding Ranma, of course, who was still in shock.  
  
"What kind of father would do that to his son?" Akane demanded.  
  
"Not even Ranma deserves THAT!" Ryoga put in.  
  
"Ranma hate Shampoo because Shampoo cat?" asked Shampoo, tears welling up in her eyes.  
  
"Since when have you been a cat, anyway?" asked Ryoga.  
  
And now, another flashback!  
  
  
  
"Shampoo almost to Amazon village! Hope Great Grandmother can find loophole in Amazon law so Shampoo marry Ranma and Ryoga!" She glanced around. "Where stupid Mousse go, anyway? He not bother Shampoo for while…"  
  
As if on cue, Mousse jumped out from behind a bush.  
  
"Shampoo!" he cried, missing her entirely, falling into a spring, and promptly becoming a duck.  
  
"Hahahahaha! So this legendary Cursed Training Grounds of Jusenkyo! As duck, Mousse no bother Shampoo! Shampoo free! Hahahaha!" In her laughing, Shampoo tripped and fell backwards into another spring and turned into a cat.  
  
"Meow? Grrr… RAAAAOOOOOOOOW!"  
  
Off in his office, the Jusenkyo guide happened to glance up from the book he was reading to see a duck wearing glasses fly into the sky without moving its wings. It appeared that a small pink cat had launched him there.  
  
"Must be more guests. Why they never read warning signs? Should probably get fence. So sad. Did not get chance to tell honored visitors about springs and tragic tale of them. Oh, well." He went back to reading his book.  
  
***  
  
"Who is this Mousse, anyway?"  
  
"Is guy from Amazon village. Wants to marry Shampoo. Shampoo think he too stupid. Is blind, too. Is his fault I have curse!"  
  
Ryoga felt strongly that he had heard something like this before, but he wasn't sure where. He dismissed the thought quickly, turning his mind to the current issue.  
  
"But he seems nice enough. Why don't you try going out with him?" asked Akane.  
  
"Shampoo told you, he almost blind. He propose to anything he think is Shampoo, even telephone pole. Is too stupid."  
  
"He didn't follow you here, did he?" asked Ryoga, trying to block out the impending sense of doom.  
  
As if to answer his question, a duck flew through the hole in the wall that Shampoo had made earlier.  
  
"Mousse?" asked Shampoo.  
  
"Quack!"  
  
"Stupid Mousse go away! Why you follow Shampoo?"  
  
"QUACK!"  
  
Shampoo sighed. "Shampoo see husbands later. Must get rid of Mousse. Should tell Great Grandmother about Cat Fist, too. Bye!" Shampoo hit Mousse over the head, rendering him unconscious. She tossed him out the hole in the wall through which she entered, then followed.  
  
"Ryoga, you got any other friends you want to tell us about?" asked Ranma sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Hey, Ryoga, want to finish sparring?"  
  
"Sure," answered Ryoga, grateful for the interruption.  
  
"Tomboy…" Ranma muttered as the two exited the room.  
  
***  
  
Well! It's finally finished! If you haven't noticed yet, I'm a big fan of the Akane/Ryoga pairing. Just wait until you see who I pair Mousse with. Watch for Part 5, in which I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen!  



	5. Another one?

Sorry this took so long. I've just started 9th grade, so things are probably going to severely slow down. Of course, I'd probably write more if I got more than EIGHT DANG REVIEWS! Oh, well. In today's episode, we meet Ukyo. What else happens? Your guess is as good as mine.  
  
Part 5  
  
***  
  
"Genma Saotome! It's been a long time," said the long-haired, masked figure.  
  
"Do I know you?" asked a confused Genma, trying to figure out where he'd seen the spatula-wielding young man in front of him. Of course, he had to admit it was difficult to remember all the people who he had… ahem… BORROWED from… Still, the youth looked familiar…  
  
"UKYO! The one you left behind!"  
  
"KRAK!" went the spatula over the stunned man's head.  
  
"Hey, who're you and why are you beating up Pop? Although, knowing him, he probably deserves it…"  
  
"Ra… Ranma?"  
  
"Yeah, that's me."  
  
"YOU JERK! Leaving me behind!"  
  
"Wha?! I've never met you!" Ranma assumed a defensive posture, but failed to block the oversized spatula from hitting him over the head.  
  
"How could you leave your fiancée behind? And taking the okonomiyaki cart, no less! Jackass!"  
  
WHAP! SPLAT! CLANG! We might take the time to mention that Ukyo's spatula has had more lines so far in this scene than Genma! Isn't that something?  
  
"Waitaminnit… Pop engaged me to a guy?!"  
  
"Grrr… DIE!"  
  
"Uh… Ranma?"  
  
Both turned to look at poor, battered Genma. Sniff, sniff. How cruelly I abuse him.  
  
"You think I would stain the Saotome name by doing that? No, Ukyo, your childhood friend is really…" Cue phantom microphone. "A GIRL!"  
  
Ranma blinked. "Ucchan? No way! Since when have you been a girl? Want me to get some hot water for you?"  
  
It was Ukyo's turn to blink. "What the heck do you mean? How would hot water solve anything?!"  
  
Doesn't everyone love the weather in Nerima? One minute, it's a nice, sunny day; the next, it's raining. It's a meteorologist's nightmare.  
  
Much blinking in disbelief, poking, and pinching ensued.  
  
"Is that really you, Ranma?" Ukyo asked the piglet. Ranma squealed in the affirmative. "BWA HA HA HA HA HA! Serves ya right, jerk!"  
  
The piglet stared back at Ukyo, with huge eyes so cute it makes your teeth want to rot. She began to feel a little guilty.  
  
"Ranchan? What happened, anyway?"  
  
A nearby panda held up a sign that read [Hot water…]. Ukyo shrugged, lifted the little piggy into her arms, and headed for her restaurant. The injured panda remained lying on the ground. Nobody really cared, though. They figured the zoo would come and get it eventually. Besides, the boy and the girl with the spatula were way more interesting to watch. Who cares about a dumb panda when you can watch a real-life soap opera?  
  
***  
  
"So Pop ran off with your dad's okonomiyaki cart and left you behind? The moron."  
  
"My life as a woman ended then. I promised myself I'd never go out with another guy, or even do anything other than train, until I had exacted my revenge on you two."  
  
"Such a shame. And a cute girl like you, too."  
  
Ukyo turned approximately six shades of red. "I'm NOT cute," she stated, trying to focus on making okonomiyaki for the two of them.  
  
"Yes you are. I'm surprised, really. Considering who else Pop's engaged me to…"  
  
"SOMEONE ELSE?! I'll KILL him!"  
  
"Relax," Ranma said hurriedly. "She's just some uncute tomboy. There's no way I'm gonna marry her."  
  
"AHEM."  
  
"Akane?"  
  
"Ranma..."  
  
"See what I mean?"  
  
"Huh."  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"  
  
"It's okay, Ryoga! Don't worry! He didn't hurt me!"  
  
"And you! Who are you, and why are you insulting Akane?!"  
  
"Who are YOU?!"  
  
"I asked you first!"  
  
This continued for a few more minutes. By the way, five bucks if you can figure out what just happened. I know I can't.  
  
***  
  
"Where's Shampoo? Why does she keep running away? Why does she hate me so?" Mousse asked a cow.  
  
"Moo," said the cow.  
  
"I know! I'll go back to Nerima and wait for her! She's sure to return, and it beats going back to the village every other day!"  
  
The cow looked at Mousse strangely, wondered what the grass over here was laced with, anyway, and proceeded to another part of the field.  
  
Thunder rumbled ominously in the background. "Soon, Shampoo, you will be mine. With these ancient Amazon love pills, there's no way you'll turn me down again! BWA HA HA Hwak…" Stupid unpredictable weather…  
  
***  
  
"Saotomeeee…"  
  
"Now, now, Tendo, no need to get angry…"  
  
"How could you? What about Akane? Don't you have any morals at all?" Soun turned to his friend, only to find a cute, cuddly panda playing cutely with a cute beach ball. He sighed, then went to check on Kasumi in the kitchen.  
  
Meanwhile, in the dojo…  
  
"How many fiancées do you have, anyway?" Akane asked Ranma furiously.  
  
"How could you get engaged to her when you have me?"  
  
"You act like this is all my fault! It's all Pop and his stupid promises!"  
  
"Hmph. Well, if I'm so much trouble, you can forget the engagement. Hope you're happy together," Akane told Ranma coldly. With that, she stomped out of the room.  
  
"How uncute can you get?" muttered Ranma.  
  
Ryoga gave Ranma a menacing look, then followed Akane. Well, pretty much. He ended up in the kitchen, the bathroom, the dining room, the dojo again, and the middle of the koi pond, in that order, before he finally reached the room he was sharing with the Saotomes.  
  
***  
  
"So, you're not her fiancé anymore? Do you have any others that I should know about?"  
  
"Uh, not that I know of, unless you count…  
  
Being the smart audience you are, I'm sure you can guess what happened right then. But, for those of you who can't, I'm offering multiple choice answers. So what happened? Did…  
  
A. a pipe spring a leak and Ranma turn into a pig?  
  
B. Ukyo arbitrarily beat Ranma with her spatula just for good measure?  
  
C. a fish in the koi pond blink?  
  
Or…  
  
D. Shampoo, followed closely by Mousse, smash through the wall, glomping Ranma and Ukyo, respectively?  
  
Remember, this exam counts for 99.4% of your grade. Fill in all answers on the bubble sheet with a number two pencil. Good luck!  
  
***  
  
"Sh… Shampoo!"  
  
"Nihao, airen!"  
  
"Shampoo!"  
  
"Wha… Who…?" Ukyo found herself being crushed in the arms of…  
  
"Hey! Who the heck are you?!"  
  
"Oh, Shampoo, how could you forget me already?"  
  
"I'm not Shampoo!"  
  
"You think you can fool me that easily? Of course you're Shampoo! Here, have this!"  
  
"Hey!" Ukyo was about to spatula the guy across one of the remaining walls, but she found something small and round in her mouth. She tried to spit it out, but Ranma grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to swallow.  
  
"At last! Shampoo, you shall be mine!"  
  
"Hey, stupid Mousse? Shampoo over here."  
  
"Wha? Shampoo? Then who is this?"  
  
Ukyo whipped out her Spatula of Doom (™ ) to beat the living heck out of that… that… that PERVERT! How dare he grab her and give her… give her… Hey, he was sort of cute. No, not cute. More like the hottest, se…  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!" Ranma demanded.  
  
"Oh, boy," Mousse muttered, attempting to pry Ukyo off of his waist.  
  
"I said WHAT IS IT?"  
  
"Now, now, no need to yell," Mousse said nervously. "I'm sure I can find the antidote…" He rummaged through his sleeves. Let's see, butcher knife, chain, yo-yo, metal claw, scratched-up framed picture of Shampoo, darts, small explosives, teddy bear, armchair… Where did he put the stupid antidote? He knew he had it somewhere… Suddenly, a piece of paper fluttered to the floor.  
  
Shampoo picked it up. "Ai ya! How you be so stupid, Mousse? Is from the love pill you use on her? Then is no cure! She like this forever!" She flipped the card at Mousse, making an indentation in his forehead. "Who is, anyway?"  
  
"Uh, I guess she's my fiancée…"  
  
"Oh, is too bad… Ranma fiancée?!" Shampoo blinked. Then, she walked over to Mousse and kissed him, causing him to faint. "Good work, Mousse! Now Shampoo have Ranma all to self!"  
  
"Hey, you! How could you kiss MY Mousse?!"  
  
"You Mousse? You have Mousse if I have Ranma."  
  
Ukyo's eyes doubled in size and filled with tears. "Oh, thank you, thank you!"  
  
"But Shampoo!"  
  
"You no like Ukyo?"  
  
"You don't like me?" Ukyo's radiant smile crumpled, and she readied her spatula as she choked back sobs.  
  
"Oh, no no no! Of course I like you, Ukyo!" Mousse replied hurriedly.  
  
"Yay!" Ukyo glomped Mousse, who sighed.  
  
"Shampoo hope Mousse and Ukyo happy together! See you later!"  
  
With that, Ukyo dragged a sad-looking Mousse along the street to her shop.  
  
***  
  
"Good work, son! Now you can marry Akane with one less person in the way!"  
  
"I already told you, I'm not marrying her. Why not let Ryoga? They seem to like each other.  
  
"Hey!" protested Akane and Ryoga, each turning four interesting shades of red.  
  
"See what I mean," snickered Ranma.  
  
"I have no intention of marrying anyone right now. We're still in high school!"  
  
"Uh, yeah," Ryoga agreed.  
  
Dinner continued in silence until…  
  
"Oops, must have accidentally bumped my cup. Sorry, Ranma," said Genma.  
  
"Grrr… KWEE!"  
  
Genma fell to the floor with several large bumps on his head.  
  
"Bweek," Ranma stated. He hopped down off the table and made his way upstairs, towing his clothes behind him.  
  
"I wonder where Shampoo went, anyway," Ryoga said, changing the subject.  
  
"I don't know. With any luck, she moved back to China."  
  
"You think she did? She didn't seem the type to just give up… Well, I guess we'll find out soon enough."  
  
***  
  
Sorry this took so long. As I said before, I have tons of homework. I started this chapter about a week ago and just now got around to finishing it. I know Ukyo was quite a bit out of character near the end, but that was just because of the love pill. Sorry, Gyzzmo. I tried some other couplings, but they would have been worse. Would you prefer Kuno and Ukyo? I thought not.  
  
As always, review. Please? Does it really take up too much of your precious time to write a sentence or two? Heck, a word, a letter, or a punctuation mark would work, too! *Sniff, sniff.* Only eight people care about my HARD WORK to write something… *Sob*  
  
Don't expect the next chapter too soon. Unless, of course, I miraculously get a ton of reviews, but what are the odds of that? Keep an eye out for it, anyway. I hope you enjoyed this chapter of "Ranma ½ WHAT?!", and hope to hear from you either in a review or in an e-mail.  



	6. More stuff happens!

Finally! I'm sorry, I've been busy. Since I'm sure you've been waiting SO LONG for this chapter, I'll skip the stupid intro and get on to the fic.  
  
***  
  
Part 6  
  
***  
  
Shampoo sat on the small bed she had in her room above the Nekohanten. It was her break time, so stupid duck-boy could do the work for now. She had things to think about.  
  
She stared at the two pictures on her lap. Her two beloved husbands. Great Grandmother had told her it was fine for her to pursue both of them. However, ultimately she would have to choose one.  
  
At least Mousse was out of her way. She snickered, remembering the look on his face when Ukyo hugged him. Of course, Shampoo didn't really *hate* Mousse; she just didn't love him. He was always too serious when she was playing around with him. Okay, maybe she *was* being a bit mean when she dressed a dog up to look like herself and watched the two from the bushes, or pretended to be possessed by some ancient spirit that had sworn revenge on all nearsighted boys… He still thought she hated him. With any luck, they could be friends. If Mousse would just stick to Ukyo and quit bugging her…  
  
Sighing, she returned to the pictures. Each was so wonderful and so different. How on earth was she supposed to choose one? Ranma: skilled, handsome, cute, lovable… and a pig. Ryoga: gentle, kind, strong, loyal… and a girl, too. Then, there was the matter of the Tendo girl. Though she pretended not to notice, Ryoga obviously liked her. She wasn't sure about Ranma, but he didn't seem to have any feelings toward her. He *was* her fiancé, though. Oh, well. Shampoo would definitely end up with one or the other. She would make sure of that.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Ukyo sat behind the counter and pondered the previous events. How on EARTH did she fall for that idiot Mousse, anyway? As soon as the two had been separated, she had been overcome with the urge to imprint his face on her spatula. How could he DO that to her, anyway? How could he mistake her for that Amazon hussy? The jerk. With any luck, she wouldn't see him again for a while.  
  
Now, I'm sure many of you expect me to have Mousse come stumbling in and something random happen. Why, I'm shocked! You really expect me to do that? Anyway, he's washing dishes in the Nekohanten and Cologne would probably smack the heck out of him with that stick of hers if he even tried to leave.  
  
Now, back to Ukyo. Though she no longer wanted to kill Ranma for abandoning her, she wasn't sure if she still liked him. She wondered if this was a side effect of the Amazon love pill, or if she ever did… Wait a minute! Of COURSE she loved Ran-chan! And there was no way a pair of Amazons would stand between them. To prove this to herself, she quickly whipped up a deluxe okonomiyaki and headed off for the Tendo house, making sure to flip the sign by the door to "CLOSED" and locking the door behind her.  
  
***  
  
At the Tendo house…  
  
"Hey, Kasumi, mind if I help with dinner tonight?"  
  
"Of course you can, Akane," Kasumi replied, giving her one of her kind smiles, if not tinted with worry.  
  
"Great! What should I do first?"  
  
"Well, you can boil some water… Um, Akane? That's sulfuric acid…"  
  
"Oh, sorry!" Akane apologized, quickly throwing the pot out the window before the acid found her skin and permanently scarred her.  
  
"OUCH! Ahhhh! It's burning my skin off!"  
  
"Oh, shut up you big baby! Here!"  
  
"Bweee…"  
  
Akane growled at this, but was determined not to be discouraged. She'd cook the best dinner yet!  
  
"Akane, that's not salt. It's sand."  
  
"Oops… What is all this stuff doing in the kitchen, anyway?"  
  
"Hmmm, I'm not sure."  
  
***  
  
Yes! Finally, Mousse was free from the evil mummy that plagued him so! (At least for the next hour!) He began to laugh maniacally, only to be pummeled in the back of the head with heavy, blunt objects.  
  
"Quiet, Mousse! You'll scare away the customers!"  
  
Stupid mummy… Oh, well. He had better things to do. Much as he hated to go, he had to talk with Saotome about how to get Ukyo to leave him alone. He really, really, really didn't want to go tell Ukyo that he wasn't interested. Something about being beaten to death with an oversized spatula just didn't appeal to him.  
  
If he could get enough money, the first thing Mousse would do would be to purchase a pair of contact lenses. How he mistook the crazy girl for his Shampoo, he had yet to figure out. Somehow, he had to get her to stop liking him. It was driving him insane! There was no way he would be worthy of Shampoo if he wasn't loyal to her, even if she was going out with TWO OTHER GUYS… Of course, they had yet to agree to go out with her, but of course they would. Shampoo was perfect! If there were anyone who said otherwise, Mousse would kill him… Of course, he would have to do that to anyone who tried to date her, too… Life's confusing, ain't it?  
  
***  
  
Ranma and Ryoga, curses negated, were lounging around in the back yard when Mousse appeared. He leapt over the wall… and straight into the koi pond, bumping his head on a rock and knocking himself unconscious in the process. Ranma and Ryoga sighed in unison, and Ryoga proceeded to extract the duck from the pond, retrieving the shattered glasses as well. Female Ryoga dragged the duck along towards the bathroom… actually, towards the dojo, until Ranma got up and dragged the girl by her bandana to the intended destination.  
  
After a quick bath…  
  
"Okay, whaddya want now, duck-boy?" Ranma demanded.  
  
Mousse, who was wearing a spare set of Ranma's clothes, turned to Saotome. Then, he began to bow repeatedly and, sobbing, said, "You've gotta help me! How do I get rid of your fiancée? I can't take it! I love Shampoo, only Shampoo, and you got rid of Ukyo before so tell me how you did it and tell me now before she shows up or something!"  
  
Much sweatdropping followed. Ranma was the first to recover.  
  
"How should I know how to get her to go away? Before, Pop just stole her okonomiyaki cart and left, dragging me behind him! And anyway, she still found me! Believe me, if I knew how to get rid of her I would have one less fiancée to worry about right now!"  
  
"Y-you can't help me?" Mousse fell to the ground. "Oh, well. I guess I can go back to China. Sure, just go back and leave Shampoo here… with… you… JERKS! You will die for what you have done to Shampoo!" Mousse shouted with renewed enthusiasm. "I may have to go back to the village, but I'm not leaving my love with YOU!"  
  
There probably would have been much pain if Akane hadn't stepped outside at that moment.  
  
"Oh, hi Mousse. Why are you here?"  
  
"Uh, just had to discuss something with-"  
  
"Hey, why don't you stay for dinner? I helped cook tonight!" she said proudly.  
  
"Um, okay, if it isn't too much trouble," said a grateful, if not a bit confused, Mousse.  
  
"Great! It's almost ready, so finish up what you're doing!"  
  
"Okay. Thank you!"  
  
"No problem. We'll probably end up with a bunch of leftovers, anyway. For some reason, we always do when I cook… See you in a few minutes, then!" Akane hurried back into the kitchen.  
  
"You guys are *so* naïve. Of course, I guess there's no way to know about her little… sickness…"  
  
"What is it, Nabiki?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Oh, nothing. By the way, the phone's in the hallway if you have to call the hospital. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a business meeting with Kuno-baby."  
  
"It can't really be that bad, can it?" Mousse asked.  
  
"I dunno. You think Nabiki would joke about this type of thing?"  
  
"Akane would never deliberately try to hurt us… Except maybe you, Ranma."  
  
"Uh-huh. You're sure there's nothing between you two?"  
  
"Of… of course not! Come on, it's time to go inside," said a blushing Ryoga.  
  
The three hurried into the dining room… Actually, Ranma had to drag the other two so they would end up in the same room within a reasonable amount of time.  
  
"See, doesn't it look good? I tried a new recipe, too! Lasagna, from Italy!"  
  
"Uh… You sure that's what it's supposed to look like?" Ranma questioned.  
  
"Well… I'm sure it tastes better than it looks," Ryoga said quickly.  
  
This, of course, was an utterly stupid thing to say. Anyone remotely acquainted with Akane's cooking would do just about anything to get un-acquainted. Those who survived it, at least. Now, most of those attempting to consume the substance had a relatively strong stomach. Genma, Ranma, and Ryoga, who spent most of their lives traveling, quite often had to eat stuff that was barely edible, lasted the longest. The other Tendos, who had been forced to eat, had built up somewhat of a tolerance against it.  
  
Mousse was the first to pass out. Just as Soun was about to call an ambulance, however, the doorbell rang. Ranma hurried over to answer it, only to be greeted by Ukyo.  
  
"Hi, Ran-chan! I just came over to… What on earth happened here?"  
  
"Akane's cooking. It seems to have claimed another victim," Ranma said sourly. He moved from the doorway, revealing Mousse.  
  
Ukyo stared for what seemed to be a full minute. 'I do not like Mousse! I hate Mousse! Nope, no feelings except for hate! Serves him right to be poisoned! I hope he-" Ukyo's body ignored her mantra and ran over to help her beloved Mousse.  
  
"Darling! Speak to me! Are you alive?" she questioned the unconscious form.  
  
"Grrr… It wasn't THAT bad, was it?" Akane asked. She looked to see Ranma and Ryoga's responses, but they were gone. Further investigation showed that they were back in their room, along with the panda, with icepacks on their foreheads and covered by blankets. Akane growled again, then stomped off to her room to sulk.  
  
***  
  
Back at Ucchan's, Mousse woke up.  
  
"Hi, Mousse-honey. You feelin' okay?"  
  
No. It couldn't be Ukyo. How on earth did he end up here, anyway? And furthermore, where were his glasses? He knew he kept a spare pair in his sleeves… which failed to be on his arms at the moment.  
  
"HUH?!"  
  
"Oh, don't worry! I'm just washing it. Here are your glasses."  
  
Mousse gratefully took the glasses and put them on. He found himself in a relatively simple room with a bed, a dresser, and a desk.   
  
"What… what happened?"  
  
"You just woke up after eating Akane's cooking. You sure you're okay?"  
  
"Yeah. Just a bit of a headache… Was she trying to kill us?'  
  
"Naw. Nabiki said that she never could cook. It's not her fault."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You're lucky you even survived. According to Nabiki, Akane's cooking has killed lesser men. Have to remember to help her with that… Well, I have to get back to the restaurant. If you need anything, I'll be downstairs."  
  
She left the room. Mousse lay back on the bed and thought. Ukyo *was* sort of cute. Of course, she could NEVER compare to Shampoo! No, of course, Shampoo was the only one for him. Seemed like sort of a waste, though… NO! Shampoo and only Shampoo. If Ukyo liked him, too bad. He would never be unfaithful to his one true love.  
  
Mousse sighed and checked to see if his robe was dry yet. Then, he started to rummage through the pile of stuff next to it that had fallen out of the sleeves. There *had* to be something to counteract the love pill! All he needed was a plan… And something other than a stuffed elephant and a few stray keys to use in it.  
  
***  
  
Okay… That took way longer than it should have. Sorry! I'll try and get a few chapters up over vacation. I hope you enjoyed this installment of Ranma ½ WHAT?! and will actually make an effort to read the next chapter. Again, I apologize to all those who hate the pairings I'm using, the lack of a plot, or my guts in general. Please review! 


End file.
